How to go on when motivation runs away?

In my lifetime I started so, so many things. I attended dance schools, music school, I played basketball, I wanted to build my own wooden lounge chair (I stopped at a sketch), I started making my own graphics, writing a book, I challenged myself with poetry (some of my poems were actually published), I attended a few group exercises, I drew fashion designs, etc. I could keep going, but is too miserable for me to continue. That’s also what has been going on with my fight with extra weight. I have been dealing with them for as long as I could remember. Being overweight is a number one topic in our family. I tried to lose weight lots of times. With all sorts of methods, but I never succeeded.  

I have to say that my family completely supports me. My brothers actually tried to make me go for a walk or jogging, but I was such a rebel. When I was not in the mood for being active, I just couldn’t make myself move my lazy ass away from telenovelas. So after a few mistrials my mom suggested that I visit the hospital here in Slovenia for overweight children and children with other diseases. My first thought was that I wasn’t ill, I was just fat. But I wasn’t just fat, I was addicted to food, and my control system collapsed. After a long deliberation I decided that it couldn’t hurt to try it. And I was right. In the past two years I’ve learnt so much about myself, especially what I am able to do when I’m motivated. I went for a walk every day, I was eating healthy and writing meals in my diary. I lost 12 kilos. But then my journey stopped. It was September again and I had so much to do for school, so I started to use my usual excuses.  I stopped losing weight, so my motivation just ran away. I became old, unhappy, I-don’t-really-care Klara. That’s what is happening right now, too. I decided to write down all this to remind myself what I can achieve and why. I want to find my motivation again. 

Humans are exceptional creatures. Sometimes we are full of life, energy, we are enchanted, and we have that life energy or whatever you call your superpowers. At that point we think that we have the whole world in our hands, that we can achieve anything. We have clear minds. But on the other hand, sometimes we are like ghosts, we are shadows of ourselves. People call it balance. But it is so damn hard to survive such dark days. It is even harder to come back to bright ones. It is a lot easier to just fall down in the hole of misery like Alice fell down in Wonderland.

Here I promise myself (I am doing this because this promise will be more real than the one that would exist only in my head) that I WILL find my motivation to insist, even if my motivation runs away again, I will finish my things, and finally formulate myself as a person, who knows what her purpose on this beautiful, sometimes scary, world is. Because, honestly, I have no idea what I am going to do in five years in my life. I think that right now my first goal is to achieve finding out who I am, and finding out where my place under the sun is.


Love, Klara